The health visitor

Me: “Did we pass??”
CB: “What do you mean did we pass?”
Me: “You know, are we allowed to keep him?”
CB: “We’re not adopting a puppy, she was a health visitor”
Me: “What was she checking then?”
CB: “Well things like how I’m coping”
Me: “Ah”
CB: “And what your mental state is like, that one gave us a good laugh”
Me: “What do you mean by that?”
CB: “Nothing, just told her what you were like”
Me: “Why do I get the feeling I didn’t come out of this looking good? Anyway, what else did she say?”
CB: “She mentioned that there is a breastfeeding class that runs weekly at the doctors round the corner”
Me: “Been there, done that, got you the t-shirt with the flap on the front”
CB: “I know but she said that whilst there may not be any new information it can be a nice community thing, you get to support and help other mothers who may be struggling with breastfeeding”
Me: “Ok, if she thinks I’m qualified after a 2 hour course then I’ll give it a go but I’m drawing the line at touching anybody else’s boobs, so that massage bit they showed us, well they are on their own with that”
CB: “Eh?”
Me: “Yes I know you keep telling me it’s the most natural thing in the world, and I’m more than happy helping out with the positioning, supporting the neck, the ‘rugby ball’ hold and stuff, I’m just not prepared to do any actual hand on boob work with strangers, call me a prude but it just wouldn’t feel right”
CB: “She means me go to the class you idiot not you, and no one is going to be massaging anyone else’s boobs”
Me: “Oh, makes sense, well did she say anything else?”
CB: “Well she said she would like to come back so she can meet you”
Me: ” Right, probably best we don’t mention this conversation.”

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